.the heart written on:
Friday, July 28, 2006 _ 14:33
~~Feeling Down~~
although the day is approaching..its only like less than 24hrs time to arrive, but to me right nw,i cant seem to make myself to be in the mood to enjoy to be in the right mood.. since v v v long ago, i've been wanting to have a very happy day in the whole of yr, celebrating with lotsa frens, families, everyone whom knws me..but i doubt this day will ever come, maybe till the last day of my life in this world it might nt be able to realise. I've wanted this gathering is just to make an excuse for myself to not be alone, not feeling lonely, having ppl crowding arnd me enjoying themselves, smiling @ least, laughing @ all sortsa things...pls...everyone..pls enjoy tmr..i'll be uptmost happy to see all the bright teeths in front of my face.
suddenly, im feeling...down? or rather, im feeling sad..i dunno whether i shld post this up. I've been having insomia for quite sometimes..maybe a feel close wans would be able to knw the actual reason and the occurances of this matter. I've been drinking alot recently, just to "numb" myself frm all the evil tots, avoiding the facts...all i want was just a smile of recognition. Is it too much for me to ask for? or am i being too much of a request? i've lotsa thoughts on this gathering, i would like to spend every single cent of mine to make it the best of all best to let everyone who knws me knws that enen is a person whom's chalet is always the best to go for to hide or to throw away all their unhappiness..pls get me drunk tmr..thank you in advance, i came to realise that only after drinking, i'll be more relaxed, all my muscles not as tensed up, my heart will be more open, although there has been times that i'm drunk but still sober, thinkings became so much more clearer, and i've to face my probs deep in nights where nobody is awake to get me out of the tots..
yes. im not s strong s i've always portrait to u all, sometimes, crying might be a good way out to relieve frm all stress, but...i've forgotten hw long ago that i've forgotten hw to cry..hw to cry w/o holding back my tears... b4 ah fat walked into my life, viv has always been the person hearing my probs..but viv, i wanna let u knw, u r still playing a very impt role in my life, a role that no new frens can ever replace, for all the things that u've walked with me b4 in the past, our growing up stage, our funs, laughters, carefree lifes, ups & downs, everything, in fact...apart frm ah fat, u're the only person whom gets to see me...totally lost of direction dunno wat to do..5 yrs ago..its a nightmare that i never would want it to happen again..
Nightmare, in a maze that i'm not able to walk out alone, the plaster that u gave me, with hearts on it... i hope that you'll nv need to buy them for me anymore, ever again in the rest of my life..
but somehow, recently, i've this fear...that wat happened 5 yrs ago, might have to let me go thru again...once more..i'm no longer that strong enuff to walk thru them anymore. I just wan to lock myself up..nv to be found...
LOVES TO ALL
// my mind full of you!~
- i - love - you -
